There’s a saying in sports that you can’t manufacture desperation. Any team or individual with their back against the wall is going to be capable of things they otherwise wouldn’t be. Those of us watching may not even understand how in the hell they overcame the odds stacked against them. I have witnessed so many of these moments in my lengthy sports watching history. I tend to attribute this to superhuman athletic ability, and appreciate that these people just are who they are. Even in sports there’s a deeper story though.
Desperation of course is not unique to sports, and sports aren’t the most pure form of desperation. Desperate real world situations like health, legal, or financial troubles are far more dire. In reflecting back across my time as an adult and into my childhood, I have come to understand the role that a desperate mindset has played in the course of my life so far.
Origins Of Motivation
If you think you grew up in a small town, you probably didn’t. Most people who say they grew up in a small town are from a small city with thousands of people. The population of the town I’m from is solidly in the three digit range. My small town is also remote, with the nearest city about 150 miles away. Particularly remote in the 80’s and 90’s when lack of tech and lack of info amplified the isolation.
Isolation creates a set of challenges to overcome. For example at any given time there may not be a plumber in town. There may not be a mechanic that can handle repairs beyond the basics. It’s a low-grade annoyance, but that annoyance has a flip-side of building resourcefulness and grit. After all, it’s not like when a pipe bursts you can just say “fuck it, I guess I don’t have running water”.
For my life this dose of general small town scarcity was accompanied by a second dose of money scarcity. We were never without anything needed (food, shelter, clothing, etc), but it was obvious that we did not have extra cash to throw around. In a town that is already lower middle class on average, it felt like we were running tighter than most. Not just felt like it, it was obvious at times. If you mix scary childhood health issues into a budget already stretched to the max, now you have real desperation.
Watching my parents fight through that was very impactful. We are all branded by our upbringing. The feeling that money is scarce, and that effort is the answer, has not left me to this day.
A Tool To Use
When I reminisce about college and my career in tech I can piece together the role that scarcity desperation played in my success. I was used to seeing desperation being channeled into action, and nothing I faced was ever as bad as my parents circumstances. This provided an edge for real or perceived challenges, and I tended to hallucinate challenges. If a 20 hour day were needed, or a 117 hour work week was required, no problem. I didn’t understand the rest of the people around me who couldn’t or wouldn’t do that. I just thought they were pussies. My stance on that has softened significantly over the years.
Fueling that drive was a low grade desperate feeling that no amount of money is enough, and you need money to shield you from the world. It’s an unhealthy perspective leading to unhealthy work habits, and it’s also the best tool I had. Everything is a trade-off and if you have a tool that can’t be given and can’t be manufactured, you might as well use it.